Anatomy of an Evangelical Abuse Enabler

When abuse happens in evangelical environments, it’s never without plenty of enablers in the vicinity. But not all of these enablers are mere “flying monkeys,” willingly or fearfully doing the will of the abuser. Sometimes, they’re well-intentioned people who have themselves been groomed to aid the abuser, or at least not rock the boat. 

Let’s take a look at some examples. The first one? The Sensitive-Conscience Protector.

These folks tend to be the soft-hearted ones in the congregation. They’re naturally empathetic, and they are usually known for bringing care and compassion to their communities. These are gentle folk who sometimes don’t even really have abuse as a category on their radar; it is literally unthinkable. So when abuse takes places in their community, their consciences are absolutely revolted by the entire prospect; their safe community has been upset by this event, and massive anxiety is usually the result.

Evangelical “sensitives” are often carefully trained to ignore their instincts. They’ve been told that they are “emotional” and “soft,” and thus, unreliable. They are conditioned to defer their moral discernment to leaders, as a result. As the name implies, they’re easily made to feel guilt and shame. They are very worried about their own conduct, and spend a lot of time ensuring that they are not “in sin.” 

This, in turn, gives abusive leaders a very powerful tool to use against them: evangelical “sensitives” tend to feel it very deeply when their leaders express disappointment, sorrow, or frustration with them or their community. 

So when abuse happens, these folks can inadvertently enable by staying silent. They don’t want to rock the boat with their big feelings, and maybe mess up. 

But the truth is, they’re sometimes the only ones who can get the accountability ball rolling. Their community trusts their tender hearts and compassion, and if they were to speak up firmly against the abuse and insist on accountability, their peers would give that opinion weight.

To keep the Sensitive-Conscience Protector in line, there’s one lie that an abusive leader regularly repeats that eventually becomes part of this person’s inner dialogue: 

“You must always be calm, professional. We can’t let our emotions control us. It’s immature to be sensitive. Your heart is deceitfully wicked, after all. You can’t trust your feelings.”

Sensitive-Conscience Protector, your feelings and moral instincts were given to you by God to lead you to do the right thing. Our instincts are not always right, of course, but to ignore our conscience is to betray both ourselves, and our communities. It’s to deny the gifts we were given to aid our community. 

And the fact is, speaking up against abuse isn’t professional; it’s messy. 

And courageous.

And right.

So if you’re a Sensitive-Conscience Protector, here’s a prescription for making sure abusers don’t turn you into an enabler.

• Find gentle accounts, focused on education about abuse, for you to follow. Bodies Behind the Bus is also a great place to learn more about abuse dynamics and learn the patterns abusers use in evangelical institutions.

• Do some introspection on where you may be handing your moral agency over to others. Whose moral judgment do you tend to trust over others’? Why?

• Dig into why your conscience is easily wounded. Ask yourself, “who benefits from my timidity?”

• When you see something that stirs spiritual discomfort, don’t retreat. Practice letting your moral and emotional instincts guide your responses, and check the results.

The Generous Donor

Some of the most remarkable people in evangelical institutions are what we call the “Generous Donors.” While these folks tend to be upper- or upper-middle class, this isn’t always the case. What these people do have in common is a willingness to use their finances or financial skills to try to do good.

These are the folks who support soup kitchens, volunteer at homeless shelters and the like, and usually have done so for decades. It’s part of their spiritual DNA. If they’re higher-income, they’re constantly giving money away, always looking for some good work to assist. So when abuse happens in the places they have endorsed with their support, accountability can feel like attack on an otherwise-faithful institution. 

Higher-income or high-competency folks in evangelicalism are often handled dishonestly from the very beginning of their relationship with an institution. Their money or skill is carefully courted, and they’re often carefully kept insulated from institutional blemishes or otherwise told that things are “being handled.” Then, when abuses are exposed, these folks get blind-sided, and suddenly feel very put on the spot.

But abusers are often gifted at avoiding accountability by pointing to (sometimes manufactured) history of “faithfulness” or “success.” It’s a spiritualized version of yelling “scoreboard!” And it works on this type of person because generous donors are, by nature, generous. They’re quick to forgive, quick to “understand,” and passionate about the work. So there’s a very particular lie that tends to work on them:

“If you don’t keep supporting this organization, it’ll invalidate all the good work that was done. We can’t let ourselves be distracted from Kingdom work. Let’s get back to the good work we’ve been doing.”

But Generous Donor, every institution has to take painful accountability sometimes. That accountability doesn’t invalidate good work; careful accountability actually reaffirms the work’s value by showing we take its integrity seriously. And impressive numbers don’t always tell the whole story. Abuse always means there are other issues, too.

Thing is, “Generous Donors” are often the ones that corrupt leaders most fear. They’re the ones with the power to rapidly bring accountability, and the ones with the clout to see it through. These folks are almost universally well-regarded in their churches in part because of their visible track records of service and generosity. So if you’re a Generous Donor, here are some things to consider:

• In keeping with your faith’s command to “destroy the works of the oppressor,” become an absolute menace to Empire proportionate to your level of influence, power, and wealth. They fear your power for a reason. Don’t let abusive leaders discourage you from pursuing institutional goodness and integrity.

• When you smell a rat, insist on an exterminator. Don’t let yourself be used for your money or ability. Make sure the institutions you support are upholding your values behind closed doors, too.

• Check out a book like “Emotionally Healthy Leadership,” by Pete Scazzero, or “Redeeming Power,” by Dianne Langberg. Get familiar with the tactics of abusive or manipulative leaders.

• You’ve heard the saying “slow to hire, quick to fire?” While that can be an utterly appalling way to handle a human being, it’s just the ticket for institutions. Take your time when deciding whether to give your skill or money in support. And when it’s clear that abuse isn’t going to be taken seriously? Don’t hesitate to withdraw support from institutions that no longer merit it.

Those Who Know Better

These folks see through many of the lies and disinformation that floods evangelicalism. They are often theologically educated, or very devout in their private lives. When abuse happens in their circles, they’re often keeping their heads down at church, but they have a nagging feeling that something is very off about what’s happening. They know this is all wrong. But something’s keeping them from speaking up.

These well-meaning folks tend to either be so confused or embarrassed by it all that they stay silent. On one hand, Those Who Know Better often tend to assume that others share their strong sense of integrity, so they find abuse bewildering. Or they’re so devastated that such moral horrors could take place in their community that they’re almost frozen.

The rhetoric that drives the cruelty and cover-up is appalling to them. The hypocrisy and lying and contradictions are apparent, and they don’t understand why others aren’t as uncomfortable as they are. They know all of this is un-Christlike, and they’re ashamed. But they also love the Church. They want a healthier church and safe leaders, but how to get it? Won’t that mean conflict? And doesn’t the Bible say that Christians should live at peace with one another?

So all it takes is one simple lie:

“Yes, this is all bad. But the church should handle issues inside its walls. It’ll bring shame to the faith if it gets out. Besides, the unity of the body is most important. Let’s pray about it.”

Those Who Know Better, when abuse happens, unity has already been fractured. The work of accountability, repentance, and restitution are the tools we use to restore unity. When people act against accountability by warning of “shame,” they’re demonstrating that they don’t understand that the abuse itself is the shame. 

And the harm will continue until that shame is addressed.

But Those Who Know Better, your love of unity is your superpower. It is the tool that can actually keep the community focused on ensuring healthy accountability. Your love for unity isn’t meant to ensure conflict doesn’t happen. It’s to make sure that Love governs our conflicts. 

Don’t let this quality be used against you. Instead, try this:

• Ask leaders direct questions about their responses to abuse. Don’t settle for non-specific answers, or action steps that don’t have concrete goals and clearly-stated desired outcomes. 

• Pay careful attention and insist that leaders stay true to their word when they make promises regarding abuse. Watch for shifting goalposts.

• Remember that your awareness of the problem is a result of your unique gifts. Others don’t see it in part because they need your voice to help them identify what they’re missing. Don’t be afraid to speak up.

The Loyal Purists

These folks are nostalgic for a particular way of life, or for a particular past (sometimes real, sometimes aspirational, sometimes imagined). They love their family because of who their family has been to them. They love their denomination because of the good that denomination has done in the past. They feel grateful to leaders and institutions that helped make them. 

And as a result, these folks tend to be core “culture” pieces in their church or institution. They may not be the most influential or the most visible, but these folks are known for loving their churches, loving their pastors, loving a particular church program, or the like. And ferocious loyalty flows out of that love like a torrent. Their community wouldn’t be the same without them.

Unfortunately, the Loyal Purist has never learned to differentiate from the church or institution. To think for themselves. To be able to spot inconsistencies and failures on the part of the people and institutions that made them, and do the natural work of helping them be who they say they want to be.

In abusive evangelical orgs, “loyalty” means immediate obedience, ignoring mistakes, and never asking questions. (That’s not loyalty for the record, that’s just subservience.) Thus, the Loyal Purist’s love and loyalty is weaponized to turn them into a weapon for an abuser, whether by keeping them silent or mobilizing them to prevent accountability.

So, the lie becomes:

“[Insert church/institution/pastor name here] has done so much for you. You know what kind of [person/group] they are and what their intentions are. This isn’t a good situation, but no one is perfect. And right now, [blank] needs our support and encouragement.”

Just because you are grateful and love someone, that doesn’t mean that you get to shirk your responsibility to be iron they might get sharpened by. Remember, telling the truth is love. (That’s what abusive evangelical types always say, right?)

Loyal Purist, you don’t deserve to have your gratitude and loyalty used to turn you into a tool of manipulation and abuse. Here’s what it’s going to take:

• Learn the limits of gratitude. Being thankful for a person’s past good behavior or friendship does not mean ignoring needed accountability in the present. 

• Stagnant institutions are often hotbeds for abuse. Apply your own intellect and empathy to your church or institution, and work to find places for improvement to the community you love. This is not a lack of loyalty. This is inter-generational faithfulness.

• Remember that your loyalty isn’t just to an institution or leader. It’s to the people who make up your community. So when a community member speaks up about abuse within the community, remember that they, too, just might need someone to stick up for them.

• Ask yourself: am I allowing my gratitude or loyalty to make excuses for red flags? Why? How can I fight this tendency?

The Stubbornly Joyful

These tend to be folks who have overcome some kind of personal trial in their lives, and through them, clung to a belief that everything would work out and be okay. This outlook has comforted them, and helped them triumph in ways that are often deeply meaningful – whether overcoming addiction, poverty, or similiar. They’re often natural encouragers, always looking for ways to verbally build others up. And they tend to have a remarkable “personal testimony” that means others in their community know their reputation. 

Like the Loyal Purist, the Stubbornly Joyful are often cultural staples, giving the community a sense of identity and purpose with their personal stories – which are often connected with the institution or church’s own ministry. But in an abusive church environment, these folks are unfortunately some of the fastest to be turned into enablers. 

Because of their relentless focus on “good vibes,” and their often traumatic person histories, these folks tend to be emotionally defensive when news of abuse surfaces, because they already tend to heavily identify with the institution: it represents, on some level, their “success” in overcoming their difficulties. So it can be a lot easier to instead call for quick, easy fixes to the conflict (“just give him grace,” or “he who is without sin, cast the first stone”), or even attacks on the victim as “negative,” “cynical,” or somehow “bitter.”

And this happens because the Stubbornly Joyful are very susceptible to a particular lie:

“They’re just bitter because [blank] didn’t do what they wanted. It’s just all a bunch of people being negative. If folks would just mind their own business and be about the work of the Kingdom, we wouldn’t have to deal with stuff like this. Let’s focus on what’s most important.”

This lie teeters on the point of the Stubbornly Joyful’s own mistaken belief: that positive emotions or feelings are somehow morally superior to negative ones.

This just isn’t a biblical idea at all. Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning than the house of feasting.” Jesus is depicted as weeping in three distinct, hugely significant instances. Lots of people in the Bible ripped beards out, tore clothes off, and covered themselves in sackcloth and ashes, or prostrated themselves on the floor, they were so full of grief and anger.

Your determination and willingness to absorb suffering with a smile is what helped you through, Stubbornly Joyful one. This is a good thing. Now, you have the chance to use that determination to help sufferers who aren’t able to do so with the same strengths you did: victims of spiritual and religious abuse. You weren’t given your story so that you could empower narcissists and grifters. You were given it to set other captives free. Here’s where to start:

• Find a way to make a path to joy for someone around you. Find someone who does not have the same access to joy-fueling resources (like time, money, energy, security, hope, know-how) as you do, and find a way to provide that for them. Throw a party, send a couple on a date night, make a family’s Christmas special, fight for accessible housing for your community. 

• Don’t ask people to be happy. Do something that will infuse their life with a reason to be happy. Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t “work” at first. Keep going. Keep giving them a reason to be happy.

• Get therapy. You’ve been “rode hard and put up wet,” as the saying goes, and you need time to heal. Make sure there aren’t any chinks in your psychological armor that an abusive leader can’t take advantage of. You don’t want to be the villain in someone else’s story because you couldn’t recognize a fellow victim.

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If you’ve recognized yourself in this, don’t lose heart. Maybe you’ve been lied to, and wound up enabling abuse. Maybe you knew the truth, but you were afraid to speak up. Maybe you did speak up, but you got strongarmed or manipulated into keeping quiet or backing down. 

It’s not too late. You can still tell the truth. You can reach out to us at info@deconstructiondoulas.com if you’d like to know more about deconstruction, you have questions about abuse dynamics in churches, or you’re just wrangling with all of this and you’d like to talk to someone. If you were a victim of evangelical abuse and you recognize the enablers we’ve profiled here, know that you’re not alone. We’re a community of evangelical abuse survivors, advocates, and friends here to provide a safe place in the Wilderness of spiritual trauma. Check out our Patreon and Instagram if you haven’t already. And don’t hesitate to schedule a free call with one of our volunteer doulas if you need resources or support, or just have more questions.